And It May Seem Selfish Now...

So today wasn't a big deal for me just the same old usually crap that I have to deal with...

Like in second block I got so angry I was about to call them all N****rs and just go to the office but I didn't. Instead I closed my eyes thought of the song 'Save A Prayer' by Duran Duran. I then opened my eyes and simply said I'm going to kill myself. Because of that and the fact that when I had my eyes closed and I was mouthing out the words of the song 'Save A Prayer' they thought I was doing witchcraft. So I was on suicide watch by all the teachers. I knew it because this teacher named Mrs. Jones told me to go with her to her room and she asked me all these questions like why I wanted to kill myself and all that crap. I told her that I was just fed up with my second block class. I told her about how I told the class that my mum couldn't get the tour they wanted because of security reasons and they just got into little prissy fits and made fun of me cos I couldn't get what they wanted.
Third block was ok except that I also have this block with one of the kids I hate from second block and he embarrassed me in front of 2 other students and a teacher by saying "please don't bring a gun to school" repeatedly and I was driven to say "I don't know what you're talking about." Other than all of that crap that happened the rest of the day was fine. I mean I missed the bus because they got an old fool to substitute for Mr. Jones this morning. I hate that old man that substitutes cos he puts us in more danger than Mr. Jones does.
I also now know how Ian wants things to be...He wants to pretend that I never admitted my feelings for him to him. He just wants me to be just friends with him and conceal the feelings that I have for him. If I do mention my feelings for him, It's gonna be awkward for him. I want to tell him that I just can't pretend everything's normal and that my feelings for him don't exist. But I know if I do tell him that, then we will have the conversation I don't want to have: "Ian, I can't just sit around, pretend like everything's normal, and just conceal my feelings for you...I like you and I don't care who knows anymore." "I'm sorry Jessica, I'm afraid we just can't be friends anymore if you feel that way." That's a conversation I never want to have because I know I would be depressed for weeks if that happened.
There's nothing I can say and there's nothing left to do. It's just that I've been so damn lonely when I think of him. And it may seem selfish now but I'll hold on to the memories until all this fear is washed away.